You know, it's a new year, and I feel that 2006 is just going to be MY YEAR! The year of ME!
But I say that every year.
Truth be told, the older I get, the better it gets. Even the bad stuff makes me better. Do you ever notice that? I don't know about all of you, but each time I get down-in-the-dumps, each time I get disappointed by something or someone, each time things don't work out the way I plan, I always (and I mean ALWAYS) find a way to be thankful. It's soooooooooooo flippin' hard to do, I won't lie. But, if I muster up the strength for just one 'thank you' to God, I know He will bless me.
Recently, I've had a love-thing happen in my life that I'm going to have to overcome. I am no martyr and I am no victim, but (basically) I love someone and he doesn't love me back. Bada bing. The end. It's not him, it's not me; it's nothing I did, nothing he did...it just isn't meant to be. He doesn't live near me, so these past 2 years have been a big guessing game. He actually invited me to see him for Christmas - and I really knew I needed to go. I went and I spent Christmas and his birthday (the day after Christmas) with him, to (once and for all) see if this was "it".
And it wasn't.
And that's okay!!
I'm sad, I won't lie. I invested almost 3 years of loving this man, unconditionally, and never opening myself up to anyone else. I just knew...knew...deep down inside that we were meant to be together. I felt it in the bottom of my tippy toes. I knew it the night we met. Mel Gibson says it in that movie 'Conspiracy Theory' - "Love gives you wings. It makes you fly. I don't even call it love. I call it Geronimo. When you're in love, you'll jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care, screaming "Geronimo" the whole way down. I love her so bad, I just... whoa, she wrecks me. I'd die for her."
Yeah, it was like that.
Dammit!
A lot went into the last 3 years, but it culminated last week when I went to see him. From the beginning, I told myself, "Toma! Do NOT GET AHEAD OF THIS! Go in 50/50! When/if it doesn't work out, you will go on!"
Well, it didn't work out...and guess what? I'm still standing. God bless a healthy conscious.
Much like any other woman, I had these unattainable fantasies worked up in my mind, just knowing he'd realize we were meant to be together. I used to blame him when these ridiculous fairy tales wouldn't work out....then I realized, it isn't him. I was creating these scenarios, and (ultimately) sabotaging myself. So...here I am today and it's time to move on.
And I am thankful.
Despite my somewhat-broken heart, I am thankful. I've told many of my friends this many times...I will never...EVER...close the door on he and I. However, at a minimum, I'm going to turn around, open up a window, and see what else is out there for me!
As I've written to a lot of you, here's the good news: God has someone FANTASTIC out there for me! Isn't that so exciting? My future is already planned and mapped out for me, it's just not time for Him to reveal it to me! What a blessing! It's exciting and nerve-racking all at at the same time. But I am 100% hopeful and faithful that God has His plan for me. And I will be blessed.
I don't want to spend this entire entry (and it's been months) going on about a broken heart. Because it's truly not broken! Maybe a little sprained, sure...but I can still walk and stand on my own! However, I don't want any more time to pass before I recognize - some very good friends and my incredible family have offered up some wonderful pearls of wisdom - and I wanted to share just how loved I feel. How can a girl complain with a family and a FAMILY OF FRIENDS like these?
My cup runneth over!
Sorry it didn't turn out the way we had hoped, but you are right. Sit back and wait for the tale to unfold. It should be a doozie!
You are so right saying that one door closes another opens. And who knows what is behind the next door!!! Someone GRAND! You know...what they say is set it free and maybe he is the one and will realize it too late. You never know Toma. God works in mysterious ways.
I know you did not get the answers you were hoping to find but at least you have closure either way and yes there is someone even greater for you down the road.
Well it is big of you to be so positive about it all. I guess its what we have to do when we don't get what we want. But like you said... at least you know and can move forward. I had A LOT of bad experiences before there was my boyfriend. But now I am glad all of it didn't work out. It was hard to see that at the time though. "Some of God's greatest gift are unanswered prayers."
You amaze me...your strength is incredible. Or at least what you have written is all right on key. You are an amazing woman and GOD does have his plan for you. As long as you live life to the fullest and enjoy being alive and healthy.
What ever resonates with in yourself is the right choice, married, single, with children, with out children.... your life is yours and God's. You have hundreds of people that love and care about you. I know how bad your heart longs for a partner to share your life with and if you look to your side you have one. I know Chester fulfills only part of the void and your friends and family only fill part of the void, but we all love you and see everything that is wonderful about you.
You know---who wrote "the fairytale" story? In our fantasies, we can only go on what's been written. but in my book---i know my life HASN'T been written yet...and people like us are unique. I strongly believe you do HAVE SOMEONE OUT THERE---AND YOU WILL MEET. or maybe you already have, but the timing of uniting is not yet. You are a GREAT PERSON---WITH SO MANY POSITIVES, it is only fitting that you receive ONLY THE VERY BEST. it will be worth the wait, my Toma. you did a very noble thing---and GOOD FOR YOU FOR DOING IT---FINDING OUT WHAT IT IS---AND having some "complete-ness" to it's story. You needed this trip. Let yourself feel what you do...and with that, let yourself take the time YOU need to feel those emotions. I love you. I am so glad to have you as my friend.
I admire your confidence in the fact that God has someone amazing for you. I believe it too, but I wish he'd hurry up and show us :)
Of course you are fine, and of course you will bounce back. Never doubted it. I am glad that closure has been achieved. I am glad that you were able to leave with a smile and a friendly "goodbye." You are undoubtedly one of the most gleefully dynamic souls I know, and it is always with pride and joy that I watch you along "the path." Remember that, in a very unique way, we must be happily married to the Creator before anything/one should join us on this planet. This isn't something you do once and then forget about, it is should be the most pleasantly redundant choice during every minute of your lifetime.
I count it all joy. So, for 2006, my challenge to myself (in the words of Pete Isaacs), "Get mad, get over it, then get on with it."
Onward and upward!
Happy New Year, everyone....and make it a great day because you choose to!
I love you all,
Toma
xxoo