What New Years Is...

It's spending all of this quality time with the love of my life! Well, yes, Chester...but...my fantasticly beautiful niece, Kayla Marie Rusk!

Toma's Favorite Song Today: "You Are My Sunshine" by Norman Blake

It's Just So Hard

I think there comes a point in every woman's life - single women, anyway - a point where we build such an incredible, unshakeable fortress within ourselves; we build it either from being hurt, or because we HAVE to, in order to take care of ourselves...or a combination of the two.

But I don't *think* I build mine as a defense mechanism. I build it because who else will protect me? Who else will pick me up when I'm down? Who else will give me a soft place to land? I have always taken care of myself! I've lived all over the world, seen and experienced so many things - and I have found the love of my life - and that's my family and my friends. Today, as I addressed my annual Christmas letter, I had over 200 people to send it to!

Certainly, one can say, "Okay, eliminate those you don't talk to on a regular basis." Well - I hate to say it, but I did that.

Still 200.

That is such a fantastic blessing - I hardly know what to do! Yet, I find myself in this valley of self-actualization today. Am I cold and bitter, but faking this sunny disposition? No, I'm not faking it - I just don’t think our dark sides are for public viewing, no? Who wants to be friends with (or related to) Debbie Downer?

I am so happy and filled and blessed and thankful for all that I have. A fantastic career, great dog, loving family, etc.. Trust me, I am really...REALLY trying not to focus on what I DON'T have. I've had a friend, recently, remind me how lonely I am (not on purpose). I shudder to say it, but when you meet some people, and they know you/see you so well - they actually hold up that mirror and force you to look.

The loneliness is palpable. We have discussed, at length, my
last relationship; and that my strong, secure demeanor is only me demonstrating how mad I still am at him (old boyfriend).

I'm not mad at him - I thank him - for not continuing in a relationship with me when he didn't love me. That encouraged me to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. I do that - and, in turn, I'm perceived as angry! What gives? And, not for nothin'...but regardless of how you think you are...how you're perceived IS HOW YOU ARE.

Certainly - the easy thing to do, as my Mother would say, "Toma, why do you even discuss it?" is to avoid it. Tune out the naysayers and focus on the positive. Chin up, tits out! Ahhh, sunny days! Sure!

That sounds terrific - and, as most of you know, I am (in general) an extremely happy person. I rely wholly on God's plan for my life, focusing on prayer and His will. Each morning, as I spend my time in prayer, I lift up my requests to those in need, and I also ask God to send me my husband. It is completely and totally...NOT UP TO ME. However, I can't help but wonder, is God holding out because I really do have a lot of stuff to unpack out of my emotional suitcase?

There's always a reason He does or does not deliver. But, in times like these - oh, the valleys - it's hard not to slide down that hill.

Nope - not gonna do it! Now is the time to stay busy - keep praying and keep faithful that he is out there for me.

Because when I look in that mirror?

I like what I see.

On My Deathbed

One of my very favorite artists, Dierks Bentley, is doing a contest on his website - and I'm fired up! I'm not posting here to promote the contest (although I am ALL ABOUT promoting Dierks!), but I'm a big "Top 5" or "Top 10" Lister. I love lists. They're my favorite. Did you see "High Fidelity"? Yeah, that's me.

Anyway, here's what I listed - it's hard, because music surrounds my life, every day, all the time. Narrowing it down to just ten was extremely difficult And there are others, ohhhh...so many others. But, on my deathbed, I must have:

1. Jimmy Buffett - One Particular Harbor
2. Counting Crows - August and Everything After
3. Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
4. The Black Crowes - Shake Your Money Maker
5. Kenny Chesney - Be As You Are: Songs from an Old Blue Chair
6. The Dixie Chicks - Wide Open Spaces
7. Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians - Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars
8. Edwin McCain - Messenger
9. FFH - Found a Place
10. Dierks Bentley - Dierks Bentley (duh!)

Toma's Favorite Song Today: "I Fall in Love With My Friends" by Howlin' Maggie

Still a faithful 'Cane, giving thanks and the boots at my door...

Hello hello helloooooooooooooooooooooo! I know, it's been nothing but crickets 'round these parts lately. I also know that LJ doesn't like the infrequent 'epic' blog entries - but that's all I can offer right now....love me or leave me. I'm having some computer agita, so that's been challenge #1. Bear with me, and I'll do my best, mmkay?

So, about a month ago I went back to Miami for homecoming. If anyone is informed in NCAA football, it has not been a year for our Hurricanes. Despite our loss to Va Tech (at home - in the Orange Bowl, I might add), I am still fighting and full of pride for my Mighty Miami Hurricanes. Yes, it's been a tough season - but it's my belief that teams face these challenges every few years so they can learn, grow and come back stronger than ever. In the words of Vince Lombardi, "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up." If you are interested, Omar Kelly writes a heckuva Hurricanes blog, and is quite an engaging writer. Check him out.

For me, the real reason I go home for games is to get that quality time with Mom and Simmer. They are season ticket holders, and not only do they tailgate - they INVENTED the tailgate. Just to bring you in the loop on how these people do it - we got to Miami at noon.

The game was at 8pm.

Any questions?

Did you enjoy your Thanksgiving? Casa de Toma was full of people, food, and laughs! I wish you could have joined us! I was fortunate to have Dad and Kathy here from South Carolina - they flew into Orange County, picked up Sebby and Kayla, and we did Thanksgiving at Tante's! My best friend in Monterey, Michele, and I tag-team cooked. Had a total of 15 people! Some highlights...

Kayla CHEATING at Go Fish with Pop Pop and Gammy:

Surprise visit from Matt Simpson - old buddy of mine from Garmisch...who now lives in San Francisco:

Decorating the tree on Saturday with Kayla:



Downtown Monterey - for the tree lighting:

Kayla and I Sebby and I
The holidays are upon us - more on that later. But one quick note: I am taking the time, specifically, to say "Merry Christmas".

On purpose.

I am not saying "Happy Holidays." Randy Travis sings, "He had the birthday, we got the gift." Celebrate His birth! Cherish this time with you and yours. I'm working on my holiday newsletter now....

Between now and December 22nd, my good friend* JP, is staying with me. He had a gap in between when he had to be out of his house and his next move, so he moved into Camp Toma for a few weeks. JP's next assignment is the beautiful Garmisch-Partenkirchen. Poor, poor JP.

As some of you know, I spent four years of my life...four very important years...in Garmisch. JP moved in yesterday, and one of the first things he did was put his boots at my front door. You think, sure, who doesn't put their shoes near the front door? Everyone does it, right?

Well, I don't know what it means, but I've been in and out of tears since he moved in.

I think a big part of me wishes I was going with him - I'm jealous! And not in a "It should be me and not him" kinda way. But in the that-place-was-such-a-significant-part-of-my-life-and-it's-my-home kinda way.

The boots remind me of my Dad - and how his boots were always at the front door on the weekends he had Army duty.

Also tagging along at my heartstrings?


Fine!!! I'll say it!!!!


There's a man in my house....................








And his boots are at my door.

*Yes, I said friend. No subtext. Really.