How do you know when to let go? And I don't mean the "...this relationship is going nowhere, so I'm going to break up with him." let go. I mean - when does one let go of the Ghosts of Relationships Past?
And yes, there was a Sex and the City episode about it.
I'm about to pay a visit to a very dear friend of mine in NYC. Vinny and I have a very long history together. I have mentioned him in blog entries before. I simply adore Vinny - for his mind, for his heart, his humor, his family, for his devotion, for his honor. There was a long period in my life where I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he was 'the one'. I tried and tried and changed and re-invented and clung and pined...
And I'm so glad my 20s are over.
You know that girl. We've all been that girl. He's not the guy - and we know he's not the guy - but we swear we can make him the guy.
I've been that girl a number of times.
Well, our 14-year friendship has really come full circle. I can stand here, before you and say that I know he's not the one.
But I wish that he thought I was the one.
Listen again, carefully.
I wish he thought I was the one.
"I don't want you, but I don't want anybody else to want you."
No. Not really. I'm in this weird place right at the moment (that moment being 2 days before I spend the weekend with him and his entire family). I am making every effort, slaying any dragon, doing everything in my power....
...to look like a million dollars this weekend. To be breezy and elegant (throwback, Kiki!) and stunning and seasoned. I mean, all girls want to look fabulous when they see their ex-boyfriends. Duh. But this isn't that. And I can't put Vinny in the ex-files, anyway. That whole word 'ex' is just negative. That just wasn't who we were/are! We truly do love each other, with ZERO regret, remorse or unresolved issues. In some freaky place, I want Vinny and his family to say "Vinny, you're a total bozo. Why aren't you with Toma? She's PERFECT!"
And then I want to walk away.
Isn't that insane?
When you encounter someone in your life, that person that just 'gets' you. Someone you have chemistry with - someone you have that witty banter with - it's all of that stuff...but...beyond that?
He's the person that calls you out on all your bullshit.
Vinny is that guy for me. Knows me better than any other person on this planet. And that is, rare. So, when that walks in, you do anything you can to hold on to that - to ensure that it doesn't walk away.
Again with the 20s. Today, at 34 (about to be 35), he is still that person, but platonic. Because, you know what? Chemistry fades. Witty banter fades. The kind of thing that lasts a lifetime?
Someone that is just...always in your corner.
Someone you're not afraid to be naked in front of.
And I mean that metaphorically, too.
Vinny is that person.
But he's not the one? What? What are you talking crazy for, Toma? You seem perfectly suited, but you say he's not? Then why are you hanging on, Toma? Silly girl.
I know he loves me, and I him. That will never. Ever. Go away. You don't marry everyone you love. So many times, we see relationships that are comfortable. Marriages and unions that happen, solely because people just.
They continue down the road they've always traveled. Because they don't have to ask for directions, it's familiar and it's comfortable. Is it a bad road? No, not necessarily. But there's very little change. Or rest stops. Or billboards. And, the history. Because even though we fight and even though there are moments of unhappiness (Um. Yes. I know, that's marriage), before you know it...you're driving a mini-van, wearing sweatpants with elastic at the ankles, and chain-smoking in your garage. Because that's what you know. Although comfortable (the sweatpants) and easy to get in and out of (the minivan), it's bad for you (the cigarettes).
I'm Molly Metaphor today, people.
Here's the thing. I had a long chat with a friend tonight - and he provided, what became that vehicle of clarity that I needed (me and my dying need for validation - which is very strange; for me, anyway).
So, while I was talking to my friend tonight, I kept asking myself, "Why do I feel this way, David? I mean, I am, literally, laughing at myself, because I am so ridiculous! I am not in love with this man, yet I want to show up to the communion in my brand new red patent-leather wedge sandals with the peek-a-boo toe and make him eat his heart out! Why? I am CERTIFIABLE! What the...?"
"Just remember, you've been down that road. Take another one, Toma. The other leads to a town you already went to and you know what's there. You feel this way, because you just want the town to be envious of where you are going."
Nevermind! Forget the title! I don't need directions!
I don't believe in ghosts, anyway.
Toma's Favorite Song Today: "Always On Your Side" by Sting, featuring Sheryl Crow