It's Just So Hard

I think there comes a point in every woman's life - single women, anyway - a point where we build such an incredible, unshakeable fortress within ourselves; we build it either from being hurt, or because we HAVE to, in order to take care of ourselves...or a combination of the two.

But I don't *think* I build mine as a defense mechanism. I build it because who else will protect me? Who else will pick me up when I'm down? Who else will give me a soft place to land? I have always taken care of myself! I've lived all over the world, seen and experienced so many things - and I have found the love of my life - and that's my family and my friends. Today, as I addressed my annual Christmas letter, I had over 200 people to send it to!

Certainly, one can say, "Okay, eliminate those you don't talk to on a regular basis." Well - I hate to say it, but I did that.

Still 200.

That is such a fantastic blessing - I hardly know what to do! Yet, I find myself in this valley of self-actualization today. Am I cold and bitter, but faking this sunny disposition? No, I'm not faking it - I just don’t think our dark sides are for public viewing, no? Who wants to be friends with (or related to) Debbie Downer?

I am so happy and filled and blessed and thankful for all that I have. A fantastic career, great dog, loving family, etc.. Trust me, I am really...REALLY trying not to focus on what I DON'T have. I've had a friend, recently, remind me how lonely I am (not on purpose). I shudder to say it, but when you meet some people, and they know you/see you so well - they actually hold up that mirror and force you to look.

The loneliness is palpable. We have discussed, at length, my
last relationship; and that my strong, secure demeanor is only me demonstrating how mad I still am at him (old boyfriend).

I'm not mad at him - I thank him - for not continuing in a relationship with me when he didn't love me. That encouraged me to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. I do that - and, in turn, I'm perceived as angry! What gives? And, not for nothin'...but regardless of how you think you are...how you're perceived IS HOW YOU ARE.

Certainly - the easy thing to do, as my Mother would say, "Toma, why do you even discuss it?" is to avoid it. Tune out the naysayers and focus on the positive. Chin up, tits out! Ahhh, sunny days! Sure!

That sounds terrific - and, as most of you know, I am (in general) an extremely happy person. I rely wholly on God's plan for my life, focusing on prayer and His will. Each morning, as I spend my time in prayer, I lift up my requests to those in need, and I also ask God to send me my husband. It is completely and totally...NOT UP TO ME. However, I can't help but wonder, is God holding out because I really do have a lot of stuff to unpack out of my emotional suitcase?

There's always a reason He does or does not deliver. But, in times like these - oh, the valleys - it's hard not to slide down that hill.

Nope - not gonna do it! Now is the time to stay busy - keep praying and keep faithful that he is out there for me.

Because when I look in that mirror?

I like what I see.